“It occurs when the boy who has been enchanted in the nursery by stories from the Odyssey buckles down to really learning Greek. It occurs when lovers have gotten married and begin the real task of learning to live together. In every department of life it marks the transition from dreaming aspiration to laborious doing.”
- C.S. Lewis

“If you were meant to cure cancer or write a symphony or crack cold fusion and you don’t do it, you not only hurt yourself, even destroy yourself. You hurt your children, you hurt me, you hurt the planet…You shame the angels who watch over you and you spite God Almighty, who created you and only you with your unique gifts, for the sole purpose of nudging the human race one millimeter further along its path back to God.”
- Steven Pressfield

I guess that this is my first “real” blog update in a long time. I’ve intended to make one, but alas, to no avail! The last semester has been one of great changes for me. I stopped attending the Intervarsity fellowship that I was extremely active in, HRCF (Harvard Radcliffe Christian Fellowship), because there had simply been too much drama with individuals there in the past. I was so tired, especially after my break up last spring. I needed time to seek God personally instead of busying myself with lots of postering, inviting, leading, etc. It was a sad time apart, but, I think, a wise decision that was good for healing and getting invested in new communities.

I also changed churches, from Highrock to Covenant. It’s a big contrast in size, age group, preaching / worship style, and general focus. But Covenant is a healthy church, and I enjoy attending it with Kevin, Chris (Kevin’s roommate), and Cecilia (Chris’ fiancee, who attends Gordon College. I’m in their wedding, by the way, as a bridesmaid!). To sort of officialize such a change instead of just vanishing from Highrock, I met with Pastor Ryan (of Highrock’s College Ministry) once and with Covenant’s pastor, Brian Emmet, a few times to start getting integrated. I also joined an Christian cappella group on campus, Harvard’s Under Construction and started working as a User Assistant (tech support, basically). One of the roommates in my triple ended up leaving in the middle of the fall semester (for the rest of the year). We miss her :(

And, of course, I started dating again — unexpectedly. I hadn’t planned on getting into a relationship so soon. I had legitimate concerns after last semester had blown apart my emotional/spiritual health and my grades – something not really reflected in my entries here, I think. It took a lot of processing to understand how what had happened during the relationship had hurt me in ways beyond / in addition to the final breakup, but I’ve learned a lot. This relationship now is, I think, a lot healthier. For anybody who is doubting, though, singleness is truly a God-given gift, and I enjoyed that time of it.

Anyhow, the winter break report: I spent break in La Mirada, CA, with Kevin’s family. I was nervous going into it, as we’ve only been dating for 2 months, two weeks is a long time to live at somebody else’s house, and I know that his parents’ opinion weighs heavily with him. It turned out well, though, as far as I can tell! I spent 12 days mooching off of holiday cookies, brownies, and lots and lots of chocolate, and his family was incredibly hospitable. I was surprised to get not just one gift but LOTS of gifts for Christmas — even with one mailed in from the Swehla’s (Kevin’s maternal grandparents) in Oregon. Everyone was extremely hospitable, and Kevin’s brother was especially good-natured about giving up his room (in the house for 2 weeks and also during Christmas when we went to his paternal grandparents’ place). We also got to visit In ‘n Out as a west coast favorite, Cheesecake factory for our 2 mo. date, and the San Diego Zoo with Kevin’s parents. Oh, west coast weather! A great contrast from the snow here. We got the chance to go jogging and even play some tennis. Picture of us goofing off below:

tennis

I hadn’t expected to see folks from home, seeing as my short, short winter break would have fallen during other people’s winter breaks, and they would all be headed up back to Norcal :( If I had thought of it, I would have made preparations to drive up or fly up to Norcal for a few days instead of spending the entire time with the boyfriend’s family — nice though it was. As it was, though, I was extremely relieved, and extremely blessed to get to spend an evening with Jon Yip and Rona Liu, who were graciously flexible despite last-minute notice. Rona brought me a beautiful painting, which I opened on Christmas morning as a delightful surprise :)

Right now it’s reading period, a 1-2 week period during which Harvard students are getting ready for finals. Yep… winter break was short (12 days) and I’ve already been back for a week but my body / soul / mind are in rebellion! They say it’s still break! So after a week of “in hiatus”ness, I’m finally ready to get back on track!

I miss you all, folks-I-don’t-keep-in-touch-well-with. I’m thinking about sending out regular mass updates to let people know what’s up in my life. I know that that’s not as personal as what I would like, but I think we’re all busy.. it’d be something at the very least. Readers — if there are any of you still out there who visit! — what do you think?

I’m in Biola campus! With my boyfriend Kevin.  Meeting his family.

More later…

I feel like the whole world is craving for simplicity in a world of counterfeits and simulated reality. We want people to “be real,” we want to know “who I really am” or “what you really think”…

I don’t hurt so much anymore, but I feel surrounded by people who are hurting. The more precious a thing is (whether it’s children, money, reputation, or a spouse), the more one has to lose… Poor Abraham! Could we make love simple? Just walking along with God in the coolness of the garden?

簡單愛 (Simple Love) – Jay Chou

說不上為什麼 我變得很主動
Can’t really say why, I’ve started to take so much initiative
若愛上一個人 / 什麼都會值得去做
If you fall in love with somebody, you’re willing to do anything
我想大聲宣佈 對妳依依不捨
I want to shout it out, can’t bear to be apart from you
連隔壁鄰居都猜到我現在的感受
Even the next-door neighbors can guess my feelings now

河邊的風在吹著頭髮飄動
The riverside breeze caressing (my) hair
牽著妳的手一陣莫名感動
Holding your hand — an unexplicable wave of emotion
我想帶妳回我的外婆家
I want to take you back to my grandmother’s house
一起看著日落一直到我們都睡著
To watch the sun set together until we fall asleep together

我想就這樣牽著妳的手不放開
I just want to be like this, holding your hand, not letting go
愛能不能夠永遠單純沒有悲哀
Can love be forever pure without suffering?
我 想帶妳騎單車
I want to take you bike-riding
我 想和妳看棒球
I want to watch baseball with you
想這樣沒擔憂 唱著歌 一直走
Like this, without worries, walking and singing

我想就這樣牽著妳的手不放開
I just want to be like this, holding your hand, not letting go
愛可不可以簡簡單單沒有傷害
Can love be simple without harm?
妳 靠著我的肩膀
You leaning on my shoulder
妳 在我胸口睡著
You falling asleep in my arms
像這樣的生活 我愛妳 妳愛我
A life like this: I love you, and you love me

想… 簡簡單單愛
想… 簡簡單單愛
Longing for… simple, simple love
Longing for… simple, simple love

I sent a long, lengthy e-mail to the Harvard FAS Computer Helpdesk after literally hours of trying to set up Mozilla Thunderbird as the default e-mail client in Windows Vista. See below for the account (which I included to the help desk, when asking for help)…

Anyway, at the end of this hours-long, hair-pulling debacle, I finally went in and manually edited Windows’ system registry. Microsoft being the nice fuzzy corporate empire it is likes to make everything that affects something invisible, so after slogging through preferences and options to get to a run screen to get to regedit.exe, I replaced the mailto registries twice: one time with Thunderbird’s, and one time reloading Windows’. At one point clicking at mailto: link launched 30-something IE windows. But finally — finally — it worked!

Then I got this fantastic reply from the helpful Harvard student at the Computer Help Desk:

Hi,
if I understand you correctly, you are trying to set Thunderbird as your default program.
Please follow the instructions below:
1. Press the start key, type “default programs” in the search field. Default Programs should be the first one on the list, highlight it and press enter
2. Select Thunderbird and click “Set this program as default”
3. Go to “Choose defaults for this program”, check “Select All”
4. Click save and exit.

Thunderbird by then should be the default email program for your user account. Please let us know if this help you resolve the problem.

Regards,
Leo

I had to try hard not to be offensive… I tried what he mentioned in the first 15 minutes of trying to troubleshoot the issue (mentioned below, obviously, ATTEMPTS 3-5 and then some)… Obviously he hadn’t clued in on what my actual issue was. Dagnabit, opinion of Harvard students dropping like a freaking boulder. Oh well.

Happy summer, folks.

DEALING WITH: SETTING MOZILLA THUNDERBIRD AS THE DEFAULT E-MAIL CLIENT IN WINDOWS VISTA BUSINESS

Note: This began as an attempt to get rid of the message that keeps popping up EVERY TIME I open Mozilla Thunderbird. (See Attempt 1) Thus, even though some settings were modified in the course of the creation of this document, I kept continuing my attempts because of the failed checks below (i.e., still trying to get mailto to work properly, and Mozilla to stop asking the question repeatedly.)

ATTEMPT 1

Click yes for “Do you want to use Mozilla Thunderbird as the default mail application?” when Mozilla Thunderbird begins (also check the check box saying “Do not ask again.”)

Result: Thunderbird still keeps asking every time the program is started up. It does not appear to be the default program (failing the checks indicated below).

ATTEMPT 2

In Thunderbird, click Tools -> Options.

Under Default Settings, check “Mail,” “News,” and “RSS Feeds.”

Result: As soon as you close the Options dialog, the settings are lost.

ATTEMPT 3

Under Control Panel -> Default Programs -> Set Default Programs…
Result: Thunderbird does not show up. Windows Vista Help “Change which programs Windows uses by default” invites you to try Attempt 4…

ATTEMPT 4

Under Control Panel -> Default Programs -> Set Associations, change associations for .eml and .nws files from Windows Mail to Mozilla Thunderbird (using Change Program, Browse Button, and selecting Thunderbird).

Result: Thunderbird still does not show up when Attempt 3 is repeated. However, the .eml and .nws settings stay, and are probably responsible for the positive checks indicated below. Negative checks are all still negative.

ATTEMPT 5 (Re-trying Attempt 3)

Go back to Control Panel -> Default Programs -> Set Default Programs and see if Thunderbird shows up… Nope.

ATTEMPT 6

Go to Control Panel -> Default Programs, Click “Set Program Access and Computer Defaults” to open new window. Click Custom and open up details. Under “Choose a default e-mail program:” click “Use my current e-mail program,” and Uncheck “Enable access to this program” for Windows Mail.
Result: Mailto still goes straight to Windows Mail. However, Windows Mail is no longer shortcutted on my Start Menu.

ATTEMPT 7

Go to Control Panel -> Default Programs, Click “Set Program Access and Computer Defaults” to open new window. Click “Non-Windows” and click OK.
Result: Mailto still the same. Thunderbird still keeps asking, and doesn’t recognize itself as the default mail application.

ATTEMPT 8

When Thunderbird starts up and pops up with the dialog, “Do you want to use Mozilla Thunderbird as the default mail application?” click NO after checking the “Do not ask again” check-box.

Result: Thunderbird still keeps asking.

CHECKS THAT TURN OUT NEGATIVE (demonstrating Thunderbird is NOT default)

  1. Clicking a mailto: link in a web browser (Firefox or Internet Explorer). Always reverts to Windows Mail.

  2. Whether Thunderbird asks “Do you want to use Mozilla Thunderbird as the default mail application?” Keeps asking.

  3. Whether Thunderbird is checked in “Mail,” “News,” and RSS Feeds” under Tools -> Default Settings. Always come unchecked, even if Thunderbird program isn’t closed and restarted.

CHECKS THAT TURN OUT POSITIVE (showing that Thunderbird is default)

  1. Under Control Panel -> Default Programs -> Set Associations, .eml and .nws files, previously set to Windows Mail, are now set to Mozilla Thunderbird. (as per ATTEMPT 4)

  2. Go to Control Panel -> Default Programs, Click “Set Program Access and Computer Defaults” to open new window. Under Custom, “Choose a default e-mail program” Windows indeed recognizes that I want to “Use my current e-mail program.” (as per ATTEMPT 6)

  3. Re-enable access to Windows Mail (see Attempt 6), go into Windows Mail. Click Tools -> Options. Under “Default Messaging Programs,” Windows Mail says, “This application is NOT the default Mail handler” and “This application is NOT the default News handler.” (probably a result of ATTEMPT 4) The checks (above) still turn out negative.

Looks like God followed me all the way to Taiwan… Okay, so he’s omnipresent, but you know what I mean.

I’m adapting well. I ride the public buses and the MRT. I take classes at NTNU (National Taiwan Normal University) or 師範大學. I volunteer with OMF teaching English to kids in the morning (just for the short term). I’ve checked out three churches (Bread of Life 靈糧堂 and Grace Baptist Church 懷恩堂 in Mandarin and The Pearl 珍珠 in English) and I attended a small group tonight.

I need to get up in five hours, so I’ll make this quick.

1 It is good to praise the LORD
and make music to your name, O Most High,
2 to proclaim your love in the morning
and your faithfulness at night,
3 to the music of the ten-stringed lyre
and the melody of the harp.
4 For you make me glad by your deeds, O LORD;
I sing for joy at the works of your hands.

(Psalm 92:1-4)

As many of you know, I have struggled with many issues emotionally and theologically since this spring semester.. and all I can say is, God is faithful. I will probably have to remind myself of this at a later date.

The passage above is from the small group study I went to tonight. What a lovely group of women — I’m the youngest one there, for a change, but it’s very much a young adult group of foreigners / ABCs / ministry-minded Taiwanese. I was reminded to give praise to God for the things that have gone on to fundamentally shift my mind.

For example, I’ve been hiding a lot in my online game. I have felt so spiritually weak. And yet God has used this time to cultivate a lot of new friendships as well as rekindle old ones. I have had spectacular conversations about God in this virtual community, and a richness in nonChristian friendships that I have not been able to duplicate ‘in real life’ at Harvard. I’ve participated in arguments as well as reconciliations with Christians who have reminded me of what it means to be fundamentally changed by a relationship with Christ. I know they’re “just online people” but it’s cool to think about how we are all striving for the same goal and objective from so far away, with a different story to tell about how God changed our lives (it’s a Christian game, in case you were wondering).

Plus God has really changed my mind about what it means to be wounded, and what I am wounded for. I hate this blemish of failure, a failed relationship, another person walking around knowing me so intimately yet who is so distant. I feel used. Though I am far from healed, God has transformed my wounds into identification with other women and such a deep avenue for ministry. I am wiser now. I was able to give good, solid advice in a crucial moment and was… startled, amazed, immensely.. grateful, to be able to affect a friend’s marriage through it. If my brokenness was the price to see the literally miraculous healing that my friend experienced, was it worth it?

…Yeah.

After our small group meeting today I met a girl on the street. I was asking her for directions, then we met again as we waited for the pedestrian light to go on. She grabbed my arm and made me cross the street with her (trying to help me). Then we ended up walking back to NTNU together because she lives there and I knew a bus that I could catch from there. She told me about her ex-boyfriend… She is a working woman now, significantly older than me (I’d guess by 5 years at least?), and they dated ever since they were around 15 years old before breaking up last year.
I told her I was a Christian and she told me she had started leaning toward Christianity since her breakup… “I give it all to God” she told me on MSN tonight after we got back home.. “because I can’t do it myself.” We have lots to talk about…

Hum… I have lots of thoughts on calling, too. It’s cool — of course, all of the foreigners that I meet here immediately have a ton in common with me, and if they are Christian, even more. I like Taiwan. I can see myself here in the future.

In conclusion, when I have not been the “good Christian,” when I have been in the worst place that I have been in a long time, feeling often far and often disobedient, I have seen God work more (through me, sometimes?) than perhaps in my entire year at Harvard… It is undeniable that He is here. Which just goes to show — it’s not me, it’s Him.

FIEL. GOD IS FAITHFUL.而祂有足夠的恩點.

當整個世界因為太疲倦而睡去 我彷彿聽到有人為愛歡呼 為愛哭泣
When the whole world sleeps from weariness,
I think I hear a person cheering and crying because of love
早已經聽妳說過千萬次要放棄 從此不再為他而美麗 不要鮮花 不想再受委屈
I’ve heard you say a million times you’ll give up, and never be beautiful for him again,
No more fresh flowers, no more suffering mistreatment
所以妳背起行囊逃 逃 逃到遠方 開始要試著獨立 試著重新更愛自己
So you carry your luggage and run, run, run to a faraway place,
Starting to try to be independent and to try to love yourself again
有一天清晨醒來發覺不能呼吸 於是又乖乖回到他懷裡
One day, early morning, you wake up and find that you can’t breathe
So you obediently go back into his arms again
這次妳下決心 犧牲自己
This time you make up your mind to sacrifice yourself

這一個美麗的 美麗的笨女人 Oh….
This beautiful, beautiful stupid woman
她的故事發生在每個角落裡 她讓我相信了自己的愛情
Her story happens in every corner
She makes me believe that my own love
不能和她一樣 軟弱無力 不能迷迷糊糊 勉強自己
Cannot be like hers – weak and powerless
Can’t muddleheadedly convince myself
(愛不是死心蹋地 就有結局 哎 呀呀呀….)
Love doesn’t produce results just from determination

每一個美麗的 美麗的笨女人 Oh….
Every beautiful, beautiful stupid woman
都需要向天祈求 感情出現奇蹟
Needs to look to the heavens and pray for miracles in your emotions
未來的日子需要多少的謊言
In the days to come, how many lies you’ll need
用來欺騙自己 麻醉自己 需要多少同情 多少勇氣
To trick yourself, anesthetize yourself
How much compassion, how much courage you’ll need…

“In relations of intimacy of the modern type, trust is always ambivalent, and the possibility of severance is more or less ever present. Personal ties can be ruptured, and ties of intimacy returned to the sphere of impersonal contacts — in the broken love affair, the intimate suddenly becomes again a stranger.”
Anthony Giddens, “The Consequences of Modernity”

I felt somewhat vindicated when I read Jon’s post regarding romantic relationships:

“Oh, that they would realize that it is not a game, not a trial, not a children’s storybook; but rather a delicate and priceless blessing in which two brittle and human hearts hang in the balance atop a high-wire tightrope, where one fall can prove fatal. Handle with care, my friends. You cannot ever value your heart highly enough. Jesus died for it; don’t jack it up.”

This feeling of vindication might prompt a strong “YEAH, JERK!” thrown over the shoulder in the direction of my ex, justifying my sense of victimhood. Well, whether I can throw blame around or not is another issue altogether, but regarding the content of Jon’s post –

A relationship is a gift from God. Our hearts are both delicate and priceless — with them we are to love the LORD our God. But I guess that I don’t agree entirely with the tightrope analogy, in which “one fall can prove fatal.”

Christians are not called to live a life free of suffering, whether corporeal or emotional. That’s not one of the promises of God. God grieved because he loved rebellious, adulterous Israel, and Jesus grieved because he possessed a far greater love than we can imagine for the people who crucified him. God’s heart must have broken within Him as the very people that He was coming to save turned against Him. Forget fickle boyfriends (or girlfriends) who said “I love you” and then changed their minds, how about the Palm Sunday crowd who welcomed Jesus like a king, shouting “Hosanna on high!” only to yell, “CRUCIFY HIM! The blood be on us and our children!” a week later? Did Jesus’ heart break any less than when we suffer from false promises from disappointing romances?

I’m not saying that romantic love is the same as the kind of love with which God loved the world, or the kind of love with which we love the body of Christ. Nor am I saying that we should throw out our hearts (romantically) as freely as Christ poured out his love on the entire world (no hippies, guys). What I am saying is that suffering, romantic or otherwise, happens in the world. This doesn’t mean that we’re “jacked up” or that the fall was “fatal.” Like our bodies, our hearts heal with time. You don’t consider your body “dirty” or “shameful” because you have scars from surgeries or falls or whatever emergency room visits — sure, you wish they hadn’t happened and you will do your best to stay away from those circumstances which are PAINFUL and hurt your body, but after it is over… you are glad that you healed, and you do your best to recover, and to move on with life. And it’s the cumulation of these experiences, these challenges and recoveries, these sufferings and healings, that make us the vessels broken to be remade in God’s image.

Jon’s perspective is helpful in a society that treats our hearts so carelessly, triumphing “gender equality” as the right for women to be equally depraved, to treat our bodies in an equally degrading fashion without receiving social stigma. Our hearts are PRECIOUS… for some reason we only freak out when we see red, red blood pouring out of a person, but we don’t realize that heartbreaks can equally transform a person, shatter a person, hurt in a way that you only realize a decade down the road when you are getting marriage counseling with your spouse. These are the wounds of the heart, so insidious.

But I think it’s a mistake to say “I would be ashamed” to say that I had relationships in the past. We don’t want to have relationship baggage from the past, true enough, but… well, we try our best. Just like we try to steward the rest of our lives to glorify Christ. But we don’t always succeed. That is why He is the Saviour and the Healer.

IMHO.

“But a certain sign of grace is this
From the broken earth flowers
Come up pushing through the dirt”

-David Crowder Band, “Wholly Yours”

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